Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
