Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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