I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
