I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
