I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
