I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
