I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
