Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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