it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize