Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
