but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dicks are not precious.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
