Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
