last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
