Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
