I've blown a few things in my day
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
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