Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
