Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dignity is for republicans.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
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