Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
