I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
