I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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