just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
