I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
