I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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