Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
