maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
