I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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