this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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