John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
