we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
