It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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