Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
