Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
