Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
