I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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