I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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