I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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