I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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