You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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