why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
it's like heaven, but drunker
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
