I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
