I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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