I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
