To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
