My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
