I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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