mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
