Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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