I wish my penis had an off switch
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
