the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I AM VODKA MAN
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
