It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
