maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
