somebody snuck up and got me drunk
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
