It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
