He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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