he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize