No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
MIDGETS
????
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
