so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
