dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
