I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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