just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it was like eating out sand paper
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
