I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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