I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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