Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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