U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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