girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Rumble strips road head = magical
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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