I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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