Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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