And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
