Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
